I want to dip our pinky toes into relationships as feedback on our inner world, and how self-awareness can lead to growth - personal growth - and better relationships.
Now I know, relationships is not a small topic and having a little dabble is probably not going to cut it, but I’ll definitely be coming back to explore relationships and the different aspects of them in future articles.
For now, I'll share with you a couple of stories around relationships and how not accessing or receiving feedback can impact future relationships; and of course, how being in receival of that information and doing something with it can positively impact future relationships and your own personal state of being.
I’ll also share with you at the end of this article, a super powerful way to invite more feedback from your relationships. It's a technique that I use quite often, and I know that you're going to absolutely love it.
Today's journey begins with a relationship that I had whilst I was at university. It wasn't somebody at uni, but someone I'd met on a night out. After maybe two or three months, I found out that he was actually dating other women. I, however, was only dating him. I found this out through a friend who had another friend who this guy was also dating. So he was dating a friend of a friend. My friend realised that his name was familiar and she asked me the question, is this the guy you're dating? And of course it was.
At the time, I got incredibly mad. I blocked him out. I was hurt, I was annoyed and I decided that if he wasn't going to give me an emotional commitment, I wasn't interested in being with him anymore.
On reflection, some time later, I did realise that I didn't ever communicate with him what it was that I wanted – which was to date exclusively. I didn't communicate with him what it was that I was looking for. In return I got exactly the same: no communication about what it was that he wanted and no communication about what he was looking for in a relationship and where he was in his life in relation to relationships and what he wanted from them.
I've had a number of occurrences with guys that I've dated that have been like this through my 20s, and in the last 10 years with the inner exploration, clearing, healing, and belief change work that I've done, I've worked a lot on communication blocks - and I had a plethora of them! These communication blocks didn't necessarily come about as a result of having bad romantic relationships.
As you'll know from a previous article, developmental psychology teaches us that we download all of our programmes and create our personality in the first 7 to 8 years of our life. This is what I was witnessing in my environment.
I was carrying a lot of anger from my life growing up and not communicating what it was that I wanted, particularly with things that mattered to me, things that I had an emotional connection to. It was very challenging to communicate what I did and didn’t want in things that had emotional attachment.
I worked a lot on communication and this had a knock-on effect on relationships in general: romantic ones; friendships; work colleagues and so on. What I realised and, and now see with others, is that with communication in deeply connected relationships - whether they're really, really good friends or family members or an intimate partner - we have a tendency to feel much more vulnerable because our heart is invested, so we don't want to create challenge; we want to keep peace.
Certainly that was the case for me. In hindsight, creating peace and not communicating what it was that I wanted led to the end of those relationships.
With inner healing, it's really important to take some actions as well in applying the changes that I've created internally, whether that was changing my beliefs around what communication is, or how easy communication is in emotionally connected situations and relationships.
It was really important to practise those and put those beliefs into action. I can certainly attest to having done more and more of that over the last 10 years and by no means am I perfect.
I still experience challenges and find new places where I need to and desire to grow further.
The feedback that you're getting from your relationships can actually be quite confrontational sometimes, and I certainly have had the experience of this with the exploration that I've done over the last few years. I’ve really dug deep to understand where particular beliefs have come from, which create the experiences that I am having and the challenges or contrast that I'm experiencing. So I often find myself asking, where did I create this? What part of me has created this experience and simply allowing the answer to come. Not really seeking it in any particular way.
WARNING! The more you invite feedback from relationships, the more you will receive.
(NOTE: You will only ever receive what you are ready for, even if sometimes it may not feel like it.)
The more you ask these questions of yourself, the more information you allow to come into your awareness around what is truly creating this particular state of being - your thinking, your actions, or your feelings.
It can be quite the journey to explore these different patterns, these different behaviours, these different loops. I couldn't even tell you how many repeated cycles I've had in relationships and most of my relationships have been short-term, in contrast to many others in my world. But I've had a lot of learning from each and every single one of them.
Ask the question ‘What was it that created that relationship? What part of me created this contrast? What do I need to learn from it?’ and then really reflect on it.
So here’s my quick tip – which, as I mentioned above, I know you're going to absolutely love.
Whenever you're experiencing any tension, discomfort or dis-ease – not disease, dis-ease – in a relationship, asking and repeating the following statement and question a few times reminds you of your personal power, and that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world.
What I mean by that is that every experience that we have is a reflection of our inner world, of our creation, of our manifestation. We don't just manifest good things in our life. We manifest all of it. It's really important to acknowledge your personal power in the creation of the tension, discomfort and dis-ease that you're experiencing in your relationships, because by doing so you call back the power to create change.
We’re trying to remind ourselves of our personal power, and that the outer world is a reflection of the inner world. This also takes us out of judgement and into a state of openness to receive feedback. We are often constantly judging ourselves:
This is really not a helpful place to be. You disempower yourself. You diminish your self-loving nature – and it’s vital that we love ourselves. So this question is taking you out of judgement and into a state of openness and inviting feedback.
So the statement is:
'I am the creator.'
Acknowledging that is really declaring that you're manifesting all of it - ‘I am the creator.’
The question is:
‘How am I co-creating this experience?’
This leaves it open to the fact that it takes two to tango. There are two people in the relationship and you're both showing up with each other to create this contrast, to create this tension and discomfort or dis-ease. But it's still you that is experiencing that state of being. The other person may not be at all.
‘How am I co-creating this experience?’ invites information to come into your awareness.
A few years ago I was in a very tough situation in one of my relationships, and I went to bed repeating this statement and this question, over and over and over again. It helped me to shift out of the hurt that I was experiencing, out of the tension and discomfort I was experiencing, and reclaim my power.
I went to bed repeating to myself ‘I am the creator. How am I co-creating this experience? I am the creator. How am I co-creating this experience?’ It became this beautiful mantra that allowed my whole body to relax, allowed me to calm my mind, and allowed me to stay open and curious to whatever came.
I certainly had some beautiful insights around the co-creation of that experience where I wasn't communicating in the best way that I knew how to. By creating interruption in the communication or break in the communication, I was creating more tension, to manifest a state of being that was very familiar to me when I was younger, which led me to lock up my voice, shut the other person out, and get very, very emotional and angry. It was something that was known and familiar and I knew how to do it, and it came quite naturally. This came into my awareness just by making the statement and asking the question: ‘I am the creator. How am I co-creating this experience?’
So I invite you to make the statement and ask the question.
I am the creator. How am I co-creating this experience?
Let me know how that works for you.
Love, hugs, and magic!
Bhavna xx
