(Photo courtesy of Wes Peck)
After coming out of a relationship last year, the beginning of this one saw me on the dating scene again. I met someone I liked and got on well with. We were attracted to each other, had a laugh together and could maintain a conversation...good place to start!
At the same time I was getting my head in a good place with what I wanted to put into and get out of my then current job whilst planning this business set up (@apa_kula).
After a few weeks holiday visiting family in the UK over Easter I came back home to Brisbane and things were still going well with the guy (we even messaged each other whilst I was overseas) - but bombshell - first 5 seconds back to work, and I've been made redundant! WTF!! Clearly I was shocked, I messaged the guy and quite thoughtfully he called me straight away (whilst I'd excused myself to the toilet to get a grip of myself from the shock!) he asks me how I'm doing and tries to reassure me things will work out and that he'll come see me after work. He does, we have a lovely catch up after not seeing each other for 3 weeks, talk a little bit about what happened, go for dinner and he goes home...
And then it begins...I'm jobless...the amount of time I have on my hands for thinking, analysing and drawing conclusions is more than ample!
So what happens...(please note that this is all in reflection of the situation from who I am now, whilst there was some sensible part of me at the time trying to apply logic and objectivity it's no where near as profound as now)...for me, I believe there was more of an emotional need, that is, a void to fill. There were 40-50 hours of my waking week which had just become vacant...I was in shock from the situation and lost on my next step (whilst on holiday I'd done fair bit of planning for my year ahead - finish psych course, buy house, establish and start business, get regular clients and then, only then....leave job).
So I was more demanding for attention and the fulfilment of my needs (understandable yes, but quite a lot of pressure for someone your newly dating). So there was a lot of "well, do you like me or not?" "We haven't seen each other in ages, do you still want to date me?"
Now he'd told me that he was under quite a lot of pressure with his business and his full time job, so I tried to be understanding of this...but I don't know for sure if I was or if in fact he was under a lot of pressure. What I knew was what I was told and what I thought and felt and in turn what I said.
In reflection from my state of being now, I can see how very quickly my stress was stress on our dating situation and I can only extrapolate and assume the same for his pressures.
I am going somewhere with this, so stay with me...I'm seeing more and more how when an element of our life is removed or disturbed (usually involuntarily, quickly or unplanned) it puts pressure on the rest of it...
I see it now in other relationships I've had, and I see it in the relationships of friends.
It's a shift of balance.
So what do we do? We can be aware....of the emotions, our actions and our mental state...
Our partners, family and friends should be there for us, of course, but it's so much better when we can be there for ourselves...having their support as a compliment instead of the key.
I'll continue and finish from a place of reflection...what I learned in this short dating scenario is what I liked, what I didn't, what I want and what I don't....whilst there was some lovely and wonderful there was much of me compromising self and as such the relationship...so really it wasn't him...it was me.
And I'm reminded that after all who do we really have any control over...
Be your best,
Bhav xx
