I was talking with a friend about about difficult conversations. He explained that when he is feeling like a conversation isn't going anywhere or starting to get difficult he finds that it's best to leave end it and pick it up after a day or two. This allows him and the other person to simmer down and get past their frustrations and any anger and have a think about what was said.
Me on the other hand, I know that I don't communicate well in a state of anger. My physical response in this state is my throat feeling choked up. But I know that I do communicate well when I'm in a state of calm. I explained that in the past, and still sometimes now depending on the situation, if I got mad or really upset in a conversation with someone I'd just go silent, because anything I wanted to say was a jumble and anything that I could fathom verbalising got stuck, so I ended up saying nothing.
Now I choose to not go to a state of anger, doesn't always work - I had a little outburst in March where my angry words actually came out! But I choose to not get angry.
Now this was when my friend challenged me. How do you choose not to be angry? It just happens. So we talked about emotional intelligence. I explained that the only person that can make you feel something is you. The response you give to a situation is of your own choosing. To have a positive and calm or angry and frustrated response to the situation that you're in is up to you. I explained that I choose to stay calm because that allows me to communicate more effectively.
That said, the process that my friend has created for himself has allowed him to be more effective in his confrontational conversations than he used to be. And this is great! He's identified and changed the way that he operates to reduce that amount of confrontation that may have been experienced.
So what can you do in moments of confrontation or conflict?
The first thing is to listen...and really listen. Not the type of listening where you're thinking about what you're going to say next. Really listen, go into their world and see, hear and feel where their words comes from. This will help you get their perspective.
Acknowledge and respect. This is really important, because it shows the other person they've been heard, and sometimes this is all they're after - they just want to be heard.
If you have a difference of opinion on the topic at hand, present it in a way that is like to meet some of the needs of the other person...OR...if that person has hurt your feelings in some way, focus on the action and how that action made you feel, for example 'when you did 'that' it made me feeling like 'this'. This way you steer clear of accusing the other person of being something, it's easier to change actions and behaviours than it is the personalities, systems and beliefs behind them.
What else can you do?
Re-wire your emotional response. You can do this with techniques like hypnotherapy, NLP or PSYCH-K, or learning emotional intelligence.
How do you respond to conflict? I would love to hear the tools and techniques that you've implemented and how well they work for you. Post you're comments below.
If you'd like to do some re-wiring, get in touch 🙂 0451649591.
Be your best!
Bhav xx
