I've been in a few short (my long term) relationships, been on dates with lots more guys, but how do know that that guy or girl is right for you?
In the past few years I've done a lot of self discovery and growth in who I am when I'm in a relationship. Over 10 years ago, a friend of mine, when I was still in the UK, said to me that I'm different when I'm with a guy but only with the guy that I'm with. I retorted of course, how could I possibly be acting different! Buuuuuuut, now that she'd said it I started to notice it - and OMG! Mind blown! I was a different person, and this person wasn't the girl, chick, woman that they signed up to date. Whoops!
Well, lots of observing later I've become completely one person (almost) all the time! What you see is what you get (almost). Come on now let's face it, everyone always has room for growth, and if you deny that then you're lying to yourself, and that's the worst kind of lying you can do.
Anyway, back the the matter at hand. So in all this dating time, I kind of figured I must have a type, I didn't know what that was except 'tall, dark, handsome, good athletic build, soulful eyes, strong arms, fun, humorous, kind, able to hold an intelligent conversation' and well those were just the things that all girls wanted right?!?
In most part, the guys I've been out with, at the time they fit at least 50% of my 'ideals' so I just went out with them. The odd guys have fit all of them, but then I'd notice that something still wasn't right. Looking back I've considered my themes...and here's what I can reflect:
But there's the big learning I've done through all the dating and relationships I've had...is that I want to be with something that pushes me to be a better version on myself...I fully take that responsibility on for myself...but why you would you want to be with someone that wants less than the best version of you now or in the future?
Reality check
Sadly in the last few years I've seen many relationships like this...I'm fortunate to see less and less of this now, but only because I surround myself with people that understand and know the importance of personal growth and when their partners have behaved in ways that are not supportive or conducive to healthy relationships they've had serious conversations around change and/or they've ended the relationship knowing that they deserve better.
Dating the same type of guy or girl over and over again and having the same problems is alarm bells. The universe is telling you that you need to learn something (and really if it's happened more than twice, you'd better do it fast, before it becomes a catastrophic relationship that you have to deal with).
On the other hand, my last long term relationship, I learned that I was not his 'type' so far as the personality/behaviours of their past partners were concerned, and there were particular expectations that he needed to work past, which he considered "normal/healthy" in a relationship - one of which was getting angry and shouting and yelling - I don't like doing that, it serves no benefit for me so chose not to do it. Lots of learning for him. (I learnt a lot too about myself, it was certainly not one-sided).
This relationship, along with a few other dating situations, have ended on there being "something missing". I feel that this is probably the hardest thing to hear (fits in the ballpark with "it's not you, it's me"), because I for one have never had that "something" substantiated but instead told that they find me attractive and enjoy spending time with me...but what I now know is, that that "something" is only something that you or they know. And no they can't describe or explain it, because it's simply their inner compass, intuition, gut feeling and heart simply saying "this isn't it yet". And it takes a brave person to say it and admit it very quickly, especially when on paper the girl/guy ticks all the boxes.
Side note: A little apology and forgiveness out to the universe to those guys I've called various names after being on the receiving end of this...but also thank you for being true to yourselves 🙂
There's a lot to take away from all that...and the story isn't one that has an ending...but what are your takeaway thoughts?
P.S. If you missed it last week, don't forget to get your free #30ClarityChallenge now!
